**Please don't judge me on the terrible grammar, run-on sentences, and random thoughts that this post most likely contains. I did not proof this post but I just needed to get some thoughts off of my chest. Hopefully I will update again soon and make more sense**
When I signed in to write this entry, I was shocked to see that it has been almost a year since my last entry. I can't believe my last update was McCoy's 9 month post. A lot has changed since then. McCoy turned one last October, we spent 10 days in Alabama for Christmas, the big boys celebrated their 3rd birthday in April, Charli had puppies a little over a month ago. Oh, and we suspect that Smith is autistic.
That last line has been a little difficult to swallow for us. Not that we feel any differently about our second born but because the whole process has just been a little overwhelming. Smith has always been a little more difficult to handle than his brothers but we just thought it was Smith being Smith. It wasn't until they turned 2 and I noticed that he was regressing in a lot of areas that I began to suspect something was going on. Everyone around us (family, friends, their pediatrician) reassured me that it was just a phase and not to worry. But by 2.5yo, I was really beginning to worry. A couple of months before their 3 year old appointment, I made an appointment with the pediatrician to express my concerns. He still just didn't seem to be overly concerned but referred us to an audiologist and a speech therapist to see if he is hearing okay and if learning to communicate would help with his other issues (screaming, temper tantrums, lack of social interaction, etc). We went a few weeks ago for his speech therapy assessment and after a 3 hour appointment, the therapist strongly recommended that he see a neurologist and possibly an occupational therapist.
So, we began speech therapy this past week where the therapist is mostly just getting to know Smith and how to best work with him and help him. I have already seen some improvement in his speech and communication skills but there are still many frustrating moments throughout our days. For instance, when Smith gets excited, he will scream. This isn't just any scream, it is a blood curdling, ear piercing, mind blowing screeching scream. I can't figure out where he comes up with all of that noise. Another challenge is his endless energy. The child is constantly moving. He is either climbing the cabinets or onto the TV cabinet, pushing the couches around the living room, bouncing on their little trampoline, jumping from one couch to the other, banging against the pantry door, glass sliding door, over door, etc. He is so quick! We have to be extremely careful about leaving dangerous objects laying around. Putting a knife on the counter and turning your back for 2 seconds could end in a serious injury. He can also chug someone's drink in 2 seconds before you even realize it is gone. And a caffeinated drink is NOT what he needs lol.
It has been brought to my attention by a few different people that I tend to post pictures of Sanford and McCoy more often than I post them of Smith. Believe me, I am totally aware of this. But the fact is that Smith usually shows up as a blurry streak in most of the pictures I try to take of him. So it is not intentional lol.
If I'm being totally honest, even though we've only just begun this process (we don't even have a diagnosis yet) I am already overwhelmed and exhausted. I find myself changing the way I discipline Smith, the way I handle most situations with him, and its just exhausting. He has to be parented so much differently than his brothers and that makes me feel like I'm constantly going back and forth from one type of mother to another. My mind is constantly spinning trying to find better ways to do everything, all while still trying to stay sane and keep all three boys happy and most importantly, safe. Right now, in this stage of life, I question whether or not I can take all three boys somewhere by myself and keep them all safe. None of them want to sit in the stroller anymore but I only have 2 hands to hold theirs. I can wear one of them but that's exhausting too when I have to make sure I can keep up with whoever is loose.
With all of that said, I wouldn't change a single thing about our life. As difficult as some most days can be, this life that God has blessed me with is what He sees perfectly fit for me. I am trying to see the good in all of this. I know, I know, it could be so much worse. I know that. I really do. Autism isn't the end of the world. But when we have kids, we imagine them to be what we consider perfect but when they don't turn out the way we envision, it can be tough. But in God's eyes, I know that Sanford, Smith, and McCoy are all created exactly how He planned. All I want is to be the best mother I can be to those three beautiful boys and I wanted to be candid with anyone and everyone who follows our crazy life. I'm an open book and always strive to not sugar coat my feelings and hardships. Social media can be such a great outlet for me but it can also be dangerous in that it causes me to compare myself to other's "real lives" when in all actuality, their social media posts are just the doctored up, "best" version of their similarly flawed lives. Blogging is therapeutic for me and I hope that me being open and honest that it will help others see that although their life may not be their interpretation of "perfect" and definitely isn't easy, that God has a plan and knows what He is doing. I struggle with remembering that as much or more than most people but typing it out and getting it off my chest really helps me to remember the truth of His love.
